How Important is Sexual Compatibility for Marriage

Are you sexually compatible with your future mate? How important is sexual compatibility for your marriage and does it make a difference? Will it help you to have a truly happy marriage?  The wisdom of today proclaims that couples must live together before marriage and have a good sexual relationship before tying the knot. After all, you do not want to be with someone  you are not sexually compatible with, do you?

This desire may be sincere, but here is the reality.  This kind of thought process and discernment will actually have the opposite effect and kill your future marriage. The following real life conversation I had with a young lady reveals why:

Me: I’m a Catholic Speaker who also speaks on love and relationships. I travel around talking to people about how to find true love and happily-ever-after. I also address many potholes that prevent them finding love. I talk about dating, engagement, sex, marriage, and many pro-tips people are never taught.

Woman:  I’m actually a Catholic too, and I believe it is important to have sex before marriage! After all, would you want to marry someone that you have not slept with?  I wouldn’t for sure.  I mean, how do you know if they are good for you or not?  How do you know if you’re compatible?

Me:  So, what I am hearing is that people are like cars. One must test drive a person beforehand to see if they are compatible, to see if they are the right one to buy.  If not, you return them just as you would any product that doesn’t perform to your liking.

Her:  Well. Hmm. OK.  When you put it that way… I have never thought of it like that before.

Me:  Here’s my problem with that line of thinking. People are not cars. They have feelings, hopes, dreams, and cannot be treated like dead objects to dispose of at our will.  When food doesn’t please us, we throw it away. When a song doesn’t please us, we change the station. When a car doesn’t perform, we test-drive another.  That’s such a poor way to treat actual living-breathing human beings.

I also find it may be helpful to think about it this way.  The majority of all marriages are not sexual. Perhaps close to 99% of a marriage is not sexual. So, even if you have sex every day of your life, that only accounts for a fraction of what makes up the marriage. So, in other words, sexual compatibility is not what you should be basing your future spouse on.  It’s all of the other things in a relationship and in a marriage that are far more important.

For example, are the two of you compatible in your beliefs, morals, and values?  This is one of the top reasons for failed marriages.  Failure to properly communicate is another one, not sexual incompatibility, is always a top reason for divorce.  (http://divorcehelp360.com/top-five-reasons-couples-divorce/)  Also, it’s far more beneficial for compatibility and a happy marriage to find someone you can trust, who has the ability to sacrifice when times get tough, who is always faithful, who puts you and the family before their own selfish needs, someone who is hardworking and virtuous, and doesn’t have destructive personality traits. Being best friends is far more important than being good sexual partners, and so on

All of these things are far more important than a sexual relationship, for these are the qualities needed for a lasting and happy marriage. People who focus on the sexual relationship usually miss all of these non-negotiable items.

Her:  I see what you mean.  That actually makes a lot of sense! [She things about about it quietly for a minute. Then, she seems to get a new thought.)  So, do you believe sex is important in marriage?

Me:  Absolutely! But love is the most important thing in a marriage. And sex is not love.  Sex in marriage is the expression of a deep love that is already there (or should already be there).  It’s the visible sign of love between two spouses which is why sex before marriage is a lie. When you get married, you look your spouse in the eyes, and before God, you verbally promise to give your whole self to him forever in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, until death. Then, each and every time you have sex with your spouse, you renew that promise of love made on the altar, not with words, but with your bodies. Your body speaks the language, the unspoken language of unconditional love.  So, sex is not just for kicks, but it’s sacred and

Here’s the bottom line: if you truly love a person, you would marry them no matter what the sex life will be like.  Love is love independent of sex.  And if your sex life isn’t so good in the beginning, well… you have the rest of your life together to develop a beautiful, wonderful, and fulfilling sex life together based on love, not utility. If your relationship is based on love, then the person will mean the world to you no matter what. It’s only a lack of love that treats other people like objects, reduces them merely to their sexuality, and disposes of them if and when they cease to please.

Her:  [Kind of blown away at this new understanding] Wow! That is a whole different way of looking at it, and it makes a ton of sense. I find it much more beautiful!  I can’t wait to share this with my boyfriend.

Me: Awesome! I’ll say a prayer for you! (smile) Bye.

End conversation

There is much more that could be said about this and the beauty of love and relationship, along with the many reasons so many marriages and relationships fail today. But, I would love to hear your thoughts on the conversation and ideas above. Feel free to leave a comment below. Strive for love! Real love. Not the counterfeit. To learn more about this awesome love and many pro-tips, feel free to check out my YouTube channel and the Love and Relationships folder found here. I will also be coming out with some videos on the best books and resources for dating, engagement, and marriage. God bless!

About Bryan Mercier

Bryan Mercier is a professional Catholic speaker, retreat leader, author, YouTuber, and a Catholic apologist who has been teaching and preaching for almost two decades. He has also been aired on TV and radio in different states, including Relevant Radio, Ave Maria Radio, Sirius XM Satellite, and EWTN. He is the founder of "Catholic Truth," a non-profit dedicated to the New Evangelization and helping Catholics to know, love, and live their faith with purpose and passion each day!
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5 Responses to How Important is Sexual Compatibility for Marriage

  1. Stockholm says:

    My wife and I are catholic, married 23 years. No sex before marriage. We’ve only ever been each other’s sexual partners. We’re headed for a divorce.
    I’m not going to change the author’s mind, but I hope to change the minds of anyone reading this. Sexual incompatibility will destroy you, your spouse and your marriage. Do not follow this advice.

  2. First, I’m sorry to hear about your divorce. I hope it can be worked out.
    With that being said, I seriously doubt anyone reading this will believe that sex, or lack of sex, or sexual incompatibility is the main reason for divorce. It is always many other things, usually lack of communication, willingness to compromise, sacrifice, selfishness, and many other things.

  3. Catholic guilt says:

    Sex is incredibly important, and might be one of the most important aspects in a healthy, loving relationship. I say this as a fellow catholic divorceé myself. I love God but this article just isn’t accurate for all people. If something feels wrong in your sex life, or in general, you have to trust your gut. Everyone has different priorities and the general rule of “sex is last on the totem pole ” is just simply not withstanding for everyone.

  4. Mia Vatana says:

    I believe that for any religion, sexual compatability is essential. Having sex before marriage can ruing the wedding night experience, rather build up to it. Hold each other in bed. Touching and fitting your bodies together, locking eyes, holding hands, kissing, smelling and loving each other’s scents are enough to know how your partner would be with you. Some couples are cerebrial and intelligent women need poems, romance, music, and sweet whispers, deep philosophical discussions sitting in different areas of the house alone and enjoying the moonlight is enough arousal than get last a lifetime after the alter.

  5. It’s ironic how high the divorce rate is for those couple that sleep together (and especially) live together before marriage. Most of them do not even make the five year mark. You have the rest of your life to grow in love and intimacy together. Sleeping around before marriage is not nearly as important as all of the things I mentioned in above, which are the things that truly make a happy marriage. Many people have have great sex lives, so-called, long before getting married, and they still end up divorced because that is not what it takes to make a happy marriage. Although it’s important, is not nearly as important as other things, and is only a reflection of those other things if they are properly in place.

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